嫉羡与嫉妒即相近又不同，所以经常会被放在一起讨论。人们常常混淆这两种情绪之间的异同，比如，人们说嫉妒的时候，其实是要表达嫉羡意思。
在这两种情绪中，嫉羡相对简单，因为它是二人关系，在这种关系中，我们渴望（圣经的话是妄想）又同时相信我们已经被不公平的剥夺了其他人所拥有的，因为我们也配拥有这些。
相反，嫉妒是三个人的关系，我们为丧失、或威胁丧失我们所珍惜之事物而责怪第三方。
例如，当另一个人获得了工作，奖励或晋升的时候，我们或许会为在竞争的环境中也在谋求这些而感到嫉妒。
但我们对另一个人的丧失、或丧失的威胁中包含了对所爱之人的兴趣和情意之时，这可能是我们所说的最常见的罗曼蒂克式的嫉妒。
▌嫉羡 ENVY
嫉羡的核心关系模式是觊觎他人所拥的。表面上，这使得嫉羡看起来像是一个很简单的情绪，激起了我们看见或想到他人拥有又被我们渴望的东西。
在普通的嫉羡中，我们看到他人占据的东西，比如，好的或有为的孩子、成功、财富、名利、人缘、美貌，高档的汽车或房子——那些我们渴望的，又明摆着是渴望而又不可及的幸福之源。
但是，就像其他情绪一样，嫉羡并不是这么简单。虽然我们都能经受一时半会儿的嫉羡，但是很少有人能经常或不断的体验嫉羡。
被欺骗、被剥夺的感觉是创痛和病理性嫉羡的重要特征。社会心理学家将其称为下行社会比较，也就是用自己不利的部分与他人比较。
应对这种剥夺感的常见方式是试图合理化、忽视、最小化或否认我们感觉到了被剥夺。例如，
我们对他人说：“瞧，（他、她、他们）有那么多财富，还是不快乐，”或者“他们在众多的病痛或残障中受苦。其实，整体来说，我比他们好多了。”
社会心理学家描述的上行社会比较（upward social comparison），是以有利的部分与他人比较，比如，有人会想到 “我患有严重的癌症，但是（这样那样的其他人）比我严重的多” (Taylor, Lichtman, & Wood, 1984).
这就是为什么我们要八卦明星，当有迹象表明他们遭受不幸、甚至灾难的时候，我们会同时想起超级娱乐明星朱迪·加兰和玛丽莲·梦露因美貌、才华、成功和财富而受人青睐，却郁郁寡欢并且自杀。当我们看到他们比我们糟糕，或者作为悲剧人物时，通过嫉羡进行比较，会让我们觉得自己的谦卑环境更好受一些。仿佛他们被好运惩罚了，而且我们会因为他们的苦楚幸灾乐祸。
另一种应对剥夺感的方法是将嫉羡教化为七宗罪之一(Schimmel, 1992)。
Schimmel重述了圣经中所罗门王和两个女人的故事，她们都声称是同一个孩子的母亲。迫于争论的制裁，所罗门王威胁要将婴儿一劈为二，给两个母亲每人一半。在这个著名的智慧行为中，所罗门看见一个母亲同意这样做，另一个母亲惊恐万分，同时不允许杀死孩子。他知道，真正的妈妈一定宁愿救他的孩子，而不是绝不让其他母亲得到他。
这个故事同时强调了嫉羡潜在和残酷的破坏力和及它的道德色彩。
对邪恶的嫉羡进行教育，可能稍许有助于避免被这种情绪所吞噬。我们可以通过相信诸如财富，名望等都不是真正快乐的源泉来应对嫉羡。我们尽量把大多数人谋求的事情放入哲学的高度，就像希腊斯多葛学派和印度的佛教徒那样——他们认为精神谦和，平和的心态，或涅槃只能通过宣布放弃大多数人在生活中所希望的部分才能获得。
嫉羡（嫉妒也同样）的一个主要并发症是：尽管它有时是一种来来去去视情况而定的情绪状态，就像所有的情绪，它也可以是一种人格特质。
我们所称的嫉羡者，是对他人充满了嫉羡人们——也许任何人都显得更好。或者，他们愚蠢地认为其他人的境况比他们还好。这样的人可能已经心怀嫉羡和对其他人更美更帅、人缘更好、更聪明、更富有的不满，奋斗了一辈子。
精神分析理论家们试图通过引用儿童早期的同胞竞争经验，比如，第二个孩子来到家庭的时候来解释嫉羡的特质，特别是其病理和致病性。同胞往往是家长关注和救助的竞争对手。事实上，在哺乳动物的护理中，如猴子和狗，一个或几个同胞因为没有充足奶水供应或精力充沛的同胞独占供给而导致死亡。
有些读者可能还记得艺人Tommy Smothers在1960年代的纪录片里多次对他的兄弟Dick说：“妈妈最爱你”，他经常这么说。这种说法既好笑又伤感，因为我们大多数人会对童年兄弟姐妹间痛苦的竞争经历产生共鸣，贪婪和剥削夹杂着嫉羡，嫉妒，恐惧和愤怒，以生活竞争中最早的失败者的形式紧密的在心智中相连。
蒙受羡嫉特质的是不高兴的人，经常嫉羡他人，当然命运对他们来说是一手烂牌——抱怨，不满和无法接受，在自己的生活环境里无法找到乐趣。
临床心理学家James Bugenthal（1990）描述一个他在治疗中看到的患者，James Bugenthal认为嫉羡已经成为了这个患者依赖于安全舒适的一种生活习惯。这样的人可能拒绝放弃悲惨际遇。他们更扬言，他们不能没有这种精神寄托方式，并且继续以这种他们所熟知和理解苦难方式生活，所以他们拒绝在将嫉妒作为一种看待和展示自己的社交方式下，冒险进入一个陌生的、令人生畏的心理区域。
▌嫉妒 JEALOUSY
前文所说的大多数事情也适合于嫉妒，但是我注意到，嫉羡和嫉妒这两种情绪在重要的方面同样是有所不同的——最重要的不同是嫉妒经常是三个人的游戏，嫉妒的人相信他或她的竞争对手的东西是有价值的，最常见的，就是是另一个人的爱或亲情。就其形式而言，嫉妒的核心关系主题是对第三方的怨恨，因为第三方的存在，让自己失去（或威胁失去）了其他人对自己的感情。
三角恋的罗曼蒂克嫉妒中存在的固有的愤怒，建立在我们已经处理了我们爱人的背信弃义或偷走我们情人的背叛的感受之上。事实上，嫉妒最常见的基础是性不忠，莎士比亚的悲剧戏剧性的描绘了这一主题，嫉妒导致了奥赛罗的谋杀和自杀。
在实际的不忠中，或确凿证据支持自己失去爱人的部分兴趣的情形下，嫉妒的情绪可能有一个客体的挑衅。然而，大多数的嫉妒可能被称为神经症，因为挑衅只是想象。这样的嫉妒体现了一个人格的缺陷，一个人很容易产生不被现实验证的嫉妒。苦难与暴力可以源自于此，与其他任何主题相比较，使得嫉妒令人着迷，令人恐惧的，并有可能酿成悲剧。
那么，让一个人容易产生嫉妒的个人问题是什么呢？
其中的一个答案是，大多数嫉妒最深层的原因j就是：通过对爱的夸张的需求来得到我们身份的认同和胜任之保证。这种需求导致人们更加警惕，以免爱被撤回或转到一个竞争对手。
事实上，嫉妒传达了的信息是，爱人需要更多的关心。比如，撅嘴往往被视为寻求帮助：“不要抛弃我”（克莱因，1946年～1963年; TovRuach，1980）。
虽然我们经常认为嫉妒是一种愤怒和报复，不过，我们同时需要看到的是——嫉妒是一个以自我为中心的人，正在表达自己担心失去一些东西，这样的人，往往是令人同情穷困的人。
正如弗洛伊德（1922）指出，嫉妒不仅与自恋创伤有关，而且，这种情绪受到了有着同样意义的底层愤怒情绪的制约。即努力让自己变得更强大，并保护自己受伤——还包括对失去爱的恐惧。
这表明了意向性的羡慕和嫉妒之间在心理上是部分重合的，正如我们所看到的，可能源自于童年同胞竞争。这可能就是为什么愤怒在嫉羡和嫉妒之中那么明显的原因，这也是愤怒、嫉羡和嫉妒往往被冠以垃圾情绪标签的原因。
正如所有情绪一样，愤怒、嫉妒和嫉妒都是相关的，也就是说，它们既取决于环境特征，也取决于个人特征，以及个人从持续不断变化的人与环境关系中构建的个人意义。
ENVY AND JEALOUSY
Envy and jealousy are usually discussed together because they are closely related yet different. Recent and informative works dealing with envy and jealousy have been published by Hupka (1981), Salovey(1990), Stearns (1989), White (1981), and White & Mullen (1989),among others.
People are often confused about the similarities and differences between these two emotions, often saying, for example, that they are jealous when they mean envious.Envy is the simpler of these two emotions because it is a two-person relationship in which we desire (the biblical word is covet) what someone else has and believe we are deprived of it unfairly because we are just as worthy. Jealousy, conversely,is a three-person relationship in which we blame a third party for a loss, or threat of loss, of what we cherish.
For example, we may feel jealous when another person gains a job, a prize, or promotion, and so on, in competitive situation when we too are also seeking it. When a loss or threat of loss to another involves a loved one's interest and affection, we speak of romantic jealousy, which may be the most common form.
ENVY
The core relational theme for envy is wanting what someone else has. Superficially, this seems to make envy a very simple emotion, provoked by the sight or thought that someone else has what we crave. In garden-variety envy, we see something that another person possesses, for example, wonderful or promising children, success, wealth, fame, popularity, beauty, a fine automobile or home—obviously elusive sources of happiness—and we long for them.
But like most other emotions, much more is involved in envy than meets the eye. Though we are all quite capable of moments or periods of envy, few of us often or constantly experience envy. The feeling of deprivation, of being cheated is an essential feature of the agony and pathology of envy. Social psychologists speak of this as downward social comparison—that is, comparing ourselves unfavorably with others.
A common way of coping with this deprivation is to try to rationalize, ignore, minimize, or deny that we feel deprived. "Look," we say to ourselves, "with all (his, her, or their) wealth, they are still unhappy," or "they suffer from numerous ailments or handicaps. In reality, and on the whole, I am much better off." Social psychologists speak of this form of coping as upward social comparison—that is, comparing ourselves favorably with others. One thinks, for example, "I have a serious cancer, but (this or that other person) is much worse off than I" (Taylor, Lichtman, & Wood, 1984).
This is why we gossip about celebrities when there is the suggestion that they are unhappy or have suffered some tragedy. Remember those great stars of entertainment, Judy Garland and Marilyn Monroe, wonderfully favored by beauty, talent, talent, success, and wealth, yet unhappy and suicidal. To see them as worse off than we, or as tragic figures, combats envy and may make us feel better about our own modest circumstances. It is as if they are being punished for their good fortune, and we may take pleasure in their misery, which is similar to gloating.
Another way to cope with deprivation is to moralize about envy as one of the seven deadly sins (Schimmel, 1992). Schimmel retells the biblical story of King Solomon and the two women who both claim to be the mother of the same child.Forced to adjudicate the dispute, the king threatens to cut the baby in two to give half to each of the mothers. In a celebrated act of wisdom, Solomon sees that one of the mothers agrees, where as the other is horrified and cannot allow the child to be killed. He understands that the true mother must be the one who would rather save her child even if that means letting the other mother have it. The story also points up the potential cruelty and destructiveness of envy as well as its moral overtones. Moralizing about the evils of envy may helps some to avoid being eaten up by this emotion.
We also cope with envy by coming to believe that the things we want, such as wealth, fame, and the like, are not really sources of happiness. We try to put the things most people strive for into philosophical perspective, as the Greek stoics and Indian Buddhists did when they argued that mental grace, peace of mind, or Nirvana are achieved only by renouncing what most people seem to want in life.
A major complication of envy (jealousy too) is that, although it is sometimes an emotional state that comes and goes depending on the circumstances, like all emotions it can also be a personality trait. We speak of envious persons, people who are consumed with the envy of another or others—perhaps anyone who seems to be better off. Or they foolishly judge everyone else as better off than they. Such persons have probably struggled all their lives with envy and resentment over others being prettier or more handsome, popular, smart, or financially better off.
Psychoanalytic theorists have attempted to explain the trait of envy, especially its pathological and pathogenic qualities, by reference to the early childhood experience of sibling rivalry when, for example, a second child arrives in the family. Siblings are often rivals for parental attention and succor. Indeed, in nursing mammals, such as monkeys and dogs, one or several siblings even die because there is not a sufficient supply of milk or more vigorous siblings hog the supply.
Some readers might remember what the entertainer, Tommy Smothers, said repeatedly in the 1960s on camera to his brother Dick. "Mother loved you best," he often would say. That statement was both funny and poignant because most of us can resonate with the painful experience of competition with childhood siblings, in which greed and deprivation—associated with envy, jealousy, fear, and anger—are closely connected in the mind with being the loser in the earliest form of competition in life.
Those who suffer from the trait of envy are unhappy people, always envious of others, certain that the fates dealt them a poor hand, complaining, resentful, and unable to accept and find pleasure in their own life circumstances. Describing one such person whom he saw in treatment, clinical psychologist, James Bugenthal (1990) suggested that envy has become a lifestyle on which the patient depended for security and comfort. Such people may refuse to give up their misery. They are more threatened to be without this coping crutch than by continuing to live with a form of misery they know and understand, and so they resist venturing into a strange and forbidding psychological territory without envy as a way of seeing and presenting themselves socially.
JEALOUSY
Many of the things I said about envy also apply to jealousy, but as I noted, the two emotions are also different in important respects, the most important difference being that jealousy is always a three-person game, in which the jealous person believes he or she has a rival for something that is valued, most commonly the love or affection of another. To put it formally, the core relational theme for jealousy is resenting a third party for loss or threat of loss of another's bounty or affection.
The anger inherent in the romantic jealousy of a love triangle is based on the sense that we have been dealt with treacherously by our lover or by the person who has stolen our lover. Indeed, one of the most common bases of jealousy is sexual infidelity. This theme is portrayed dramatically in the Shakespearean tragedy, Othello, which led to murder and suicide.
The emotion of jealousy may have an objective provocation, as in the case of actual infidelity or solid evidence of the loss of interest on the part of a lover. However, much jealousy might be called neurotic because the provocation is only imagined. This kind of jealousy expresses a personality flaw in which a person is prone to jealousy, which is not justified by the reality. The misery and violence that can stem from it, more than any other themes, is what makes jealousy both fascinating, frightening, and potentially tragic.
What is the personal problem that makes a person prone to jealousy? One answer is that the meaning underlying much jealousy is an exaggerated need for love to be reassured about our personal identity and adequacy. This need leads the person to be ever on the lookout lest love be withdrawn and redirected to a rival. The message is, in effect, that the loved one should pay more attention. Like pouting, it can often be regarded as a cry for help: "Don't desert me" (Klein, 1946-1963; TovRuach, 1980).
Although we often think of the jealous person as angry and vengeful, we need to see that jealousy is as much an expression of a fear of loss by a self-centered, often pathetic person, who is needy. As Freud (1922) noted, jealousy not only involves a narcissistic wound making this emotion subject to the same relational meaning that underlies anger—namely, the effort to bolster one's ego and protect against ego wounds— but also the fear of loss of love.
This suggests a psychological overlap between dispositional envy and jealousy, which, as we saw, can both stem from childhood sibling rivalries. And this is probably the reason why anger is so prominent in envy and jealousy, especially the latter, and why anger, envy, and jealousy deserve the label, the nasty emotions. As with all emotions, anger, envy, and jealousy are relational—that is, they are dependent on both environmental and person characteristics, and on the personal meanings an individual constructs out of the ongoing and changing person environment relationship.
《Stress and emotion a new synthesis》
