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Appendix A: Therapist as Attachment Figure and Sample AEDP Interventions
THERAPIST AS ATTACHMENT FIGURE
- Techniques of responsive parenting
- be present, attuned, curious, attuned, empathic
- accurately mirror client’s inner reality; reflect on that reality in room with us
- Moment-to-moment tracking of non-verbals
- 8-second moments
- vitality affects
- Privilege relational-emotional experiences in therapeutic dyadover relational experiences outside the room, over any other kind of experience/story outside the room; make focus explicit.
- Stop attacks; cultivate self-empathy, self-compassion
- create safe haven, internal secure base
- Soften, bypass, confront any defensesthat block direct experience of emotion and/or connection. Acknowledge/honor usefulness of defenses at one time for survival; de-pathologize, reframe as necessary at one time but now getting in the way.
- Help clientexperience and regulate feelingsthey have warded off as too dangerous or shaming to experience on their own, including positive affects.
- Co-create relational-emotional “moments”
- present moments
- “now” moments
- “wow” moments
- Therapy creates new attachment experiences,thus new internal working models of relationship, regulation of affect, resilience. New experiences become reference points, comparison points to change old patterns of attachment and help client create internal secure base.
SAMPLE INTERVENTIONS
- Responsive parenting – becoming an attachment figure
- I sense you might be feeling a little nervous as we begin our session today. Is that right?
- You’re feeling discouraged about where you are in your life right now. Can you say more about that?
- As I hear your talk about your brother, I notice something starts to come up in me, right here, in my chest. Can I check that out with you? I’m feeling…an ache, maybe some sadness, a loneliness. Are you feeling anything like that right now?
- When you say you can’t trust your wife any more, is there something underneath? Some sadness underneath…some deep, deep sadness?
- Moment-to-moment tracking of non-verbals
- Something just shifted; did something just change for you? Can you let me know what you’re feeling in your body right now?
- I notice your hands shaking and scratching as we talk; is there something happening in your hands we need to know about? If your hands had a voice, what would they be saying to us right now?
- I notice your energy is different in your body now…more relaxed? Lighter? What’ your sense now?
- Privilege relational-emotional experiences in therapeutic dyad; make focus explicit
- What are you experiencing right now, here with me, as we sit together? What’s it like to be experiencing this here now with me?
- What are you feeling right now? Where are you feeling that in your body? What’s it like to feel that with me? What are you feeling between us right now?
- Is it hard for you to look me in the eyes as you share this with me? What happens as you try to look me in the eye? What do you see in my eyes as we experience this here together? What do you see in my eyes as I feel what you feel?
- Stop attacks; cultivate self-empthay, self-compassion
- Whoa! There’s that inner critic again. Can we just set that voice aside for now and go back to what you were feeling just before?
- What would happen if you let in that I care about you? That I am so deeply moved by the work you are doing?
- You can be so harsh o yourself for feeling upset with me! I feel so tender toward that part that feels upset, that needs to be upset with me. Can you feel some compassion for that part that feels upset, that needs to feel upset? If your daughter Kelly were that upset, how would you feel toward her? How would you comfort or soothe her?
- Soften, bypass, confront any defenses
- It seemed like you were about to respond to what I just said and then you backed off. What comes up as you begin to respond directly to me?
- Any time we begin to get near the emotions around your father leaving, you seem to change the subject. Is there something difficult about feeling those feelings and sharing them with me?
- If we could set the anxiety about being weak or vulnerable in front of me aside for just a moment, what would your heart want to say; what would your heart want me to know about you?
- Experience and regulate feelings
- You know I want to go back to something that happened just a moment ago. You were saying something about your boss and your eyes flinched, just for a moment, and I let it go by, but I wonder if something came up just in that moment that we should pay attention to?
- You seem angry right now, yet you’re holding back on letting that anger out. Can you let me know just how hard it is for you to let the anger out; what do you imagine would happen if you began to let your anger out?
- So much pain; so very much pain. I can feel the pain as we sit here. Can you let me feel that pain with you? Can you feel that pain with me, just let it be there?
- Let it come, let it come. It’s OK, I’m right here; it’s been wanting to come for such a long time.
- You’re not alone; I’m right here with you.
- Co-create and reflect on relational-emotional moments; meta-processing
- I’m feeling touched as I hear you say that. I’m so moved that you would share this with me.
- We’ve been through such a wave of grief here, and now….there seems to be something else. A letting go…a sigh of relief? What’s happening now?
- Whew! That was quite a ride! And what’s going on now? What are you feeling now?
- What’s your sense of what’s happened here today? How do you make sense of what we’ve experienced here together today?
- You’ve opened up and shared of much of your frustration and anger with me today. How do you feel about your anger now?
- You started out today by saying you weren’t sure what was going on with you, what to focus on. Then here we did this deep piece of work about the loss of your best friend in high school, and felt so much loss, so much loss. How are you feeling about yourself now, having experienced so much loss, really letting yourself feel it? What’s your sense of your self now?
- Create new attachment experiences
- Do you think you could stand up for yourself with your sister now the way you did to me last week about the fee?
- How can you remember what it’s like in here, trusting yourself to know how you feel and what you need, when you speak to your boss next week?
Linda Graham, MFT, is in full-time private practice in San Francisco and Corte Madera, CA, specializing in relationship counseling for individuals and couples. She offers consultation and trainings nationwide on the integration of relational psychology, mindfulness, and neuroscience. She publishes a monthly e- newsletter on Healing and Awakening into Aliveness and Wholeness, archived on www.lindagraham-mft.com, and is writing a book: Growing Up and Waking Up: The Dance of the Whole Self. Contact:lindagraham2@earthlink.net
